‘It has been said ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.’
Rose Kennedy

Before stepping foot into your future world of dating, its really important to clear your mind from your past relationships and ensure you have an understanding of what happened, why it happened and what your present state of mind feels about it. I have been on dates where I have spent over 50% of the time with that person, almost as a relationship counsellor, to help them understand what happened in their past relationship, how their ex might be feeling and what my thoughts are on it. Not the ideal way to spend a date, and if this happens to you, then let that tell you they need time to heal! An ex doesn’t need to be mentioned on a first date. It should be fun, flirty and exciting. However we must all understand that relationships and break ups are tough. Both parties need to take time to reflect on a chapter closing and like Rose Kennedy states, not all wounds will heal, even with time. We carry them forward with us, always, like battle scars from a war.

Your past relationships and experiences will make you the person you are today, but to understand what went wrong, why those relationships have ended and why you are now single, you must confront it, take time and think. Don’t rush into dating, don’t use others to help you clear your head or distract you from what is really going on. It’s running away from your problems and brushing them under the carpet while potentially hurting someone new. At some point you will need to face it, head on. Have courage to do this sooner rather than later.

Pain from relationships and break ups, however they ended and whether you ended it or not, are tough. Everyone deals with it in their own way and its important to be respectful of that. We all take different lengths of times to deal with any situation. No length of time or emotions you are feeling is wrong. Allow yourself the time and to feel what you need to feel in order to move forward.

Ask yourself what lessons you have learnt from your relationship, your break up and your actions.

Buddha

One sign of coming out of an unhealthy relationship is that we lose our own identity. Even in healthy and happy relationships we compromise and give up hobbies, opportunities and experiences to ensure time with our loved one.

Being single allows you time to rediscover yourself, your likes, your dislikes, your hobbies, your independence, that we all once craved for when growing up.

Spending time by yourself is a really clear way to start learning about yourself again. Being comfortable in your own space, in your own time, is really important. Enjoy the simple questions, where you no longer have to compromise; What do YOU want to eat? What do YOU want to watch on TV? What do YOU want to do on the weekend?

Some relationships can lead to loosing friendships. I learnt quite early and luckily circumstances have meant I have never lost friends from being in relationship. However, I certainly have been on the receiving end of friendships changing due to the controls of their partner. Finding lost friends can be really exciting when coming out of a controlling or long term relationship, it helps you remember who you were before and allows you to re-connect and build up your support network. Reigniting those lost friendships will remind you how loved you are and how important it is to not throw away people but to value them instead.

When you move forward into your next relationship remember what you have learnt about yourself within this chapter of your life, where you have been able to take time to reconnect with yourself. A partner should champion your hobbies, passions and ambitions and never hold you  back  with  exciting  opportunities  that you  want  to  pursue.  You are your own person within a partnership.

My personal experience of this was from a relationship that I was in at a young age of 16, for 3 years, loosing my identity in the form of gaining 3 stone, I lost my confidence, I lost my passions and I distanced myself from social environments. This relationship ended with me being cheated on. Initially I hated him and I hated myself. But with hindsight, him cheating, was the only event that was going to allow me mentally to focus on myself as my immaturity at 19 meant I couldn’t see the relationship for what it was, toxic. Hating him, gave me the ammunition to loose the weight, find my confidence, go out with my university friends and widen my social circle. This is one of the best life lessons I have learnt throughout dating and relationships so far.

‘Being single used to mean that nobody wanted you. Now it means you’re pretty sexy and your taking your time deciding how you want your life to be and who you want to spend it with’

Carrie Bradshaw 

‘It’s better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone – so far’

Marilyn Monroe

 We all know couples who have settled for each other because they were bored of dating or scared of being alone, but clearly very unhappy. Argue constantly, controlled by their partner, dwindling sex life and a lost personality.

Watching it from the outside, you only feel pity for them. They can’t find the strength to put themselves first or find the courage to be single. They may get married, they may have children, they may stay together forever. But note, they will never be truly happy.

It may feel right at the beginning and somewhere, along the way, you get lost. We all know deep down, when something, a feeling, isn’t right anymore. In the search for true love and happiness, have courage, have respect and be true to yourself.

‘I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.’

Carrie Bradshaw

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton