”And another one gone, and another one gone. Another one bites the dust”

Queen

 

Exactly how many dates, text messages, whatsapp’s and online dating conversations do we need to entertain before we meet someone we are compatible with; someone that we can be in a relationship with, we like, we fancy or can even fall in love with?

Some find it instantly, within a few weeks or months of being single. Some jump from relationship to relationship and some find it takes a little longer, myself included.

Finding ‘The One’ or finding a ‘Soulmate’ is such a dangerous terminology, scientifically and logistically, the likelihood of ever meeting that one person you are most compatible with in the world (7.53 billion people living in the world today) is very slim and extremely unlikely.

I want to find love, like the the majority of people in the world do. However, since being single (2.5 years) I have dated or swapped numbers with 178 men (excluding online dating app conversations). Out of those 178 men I have only felt feelings towards one of them, the rest have been messages or progressed to one or a few dates. I often think, how many more frogs will I kiss before I find a man I would like to be in a relationship with and who wants to be in a relationship with me?

It often feels like for us singletons, the amount of bad dates and bad chat up lines on dating apps is endless…

We are ready for the next chapter to start.

Being hopeful, yet realistic is why we don’t settle for anything less than someone who can make us happy.

‘Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.’

Albert Einstein

 

 

‘They called me mad, and I called them mad, and damn them, they outvoted me.’

Nathaniel Lee

 

We all know someone who has described their ex or current partner as ‘crazy’ or a ‘psycho’ and in some cases it allows us to fog our vision of the person they are talking about, even when we have never met them before or they are a close friend.

We have all acted irrationally during break up’s, during a relationship and during dating experiences. What ever the label of the relationship when feelings of the heart are involved our actions can be more extreme than ‘normal’.

Is it fair for us to judge someone else’s reaction to a situation? Whether we think we know half or the full story, we will never truly know someone else’s journey or feelings.

The early 20 year old version of myself definitely acted out when I was hurt. I once threatened to put an ex’s belongings that he left at my house scattered across several roundabouts throughout Milton Keynes where I lived (if you know Milton Keynes, then you will know that there are a lot of roundabouts, around 130 of them!) So I sent him a message and told him to enjoy going to find his stuff. Now, that sounds slightly ‘crazy’ but at the time I was so hurt, I thought I was in love, after a three year relationship I found out he had been cheating on me while I was at University and he had left me for her. Because of this the image of him driving around Milton Keynes looking for his belongings on 130 roundabouts gave me a little bit of humour about the situation. Does this brand me a ‘psycho’?

Although I have emotionally matured since then, I would largely put this down to the amount of experiences I have had and a shift on my outlook on life and love.

As well as acting irrationally in heated situations, I have been on the receiving end of dating people who claim their ex is a ‘psycho’. It isn’t something I would ever encourage and I find it an instant turn off when someone discusses their ex on a date anyway, let alone branding them as ‘crazy’. My thoughts are if they acted irrationally, surely you have done something to make them feel that way and it usually sends red flags to me. Date number 2 is unlikely to occur. However, when you start dating someone you really like, you want to believe them and start believing the one-sided stories that they tell you.

When I was in a situation like this, one of my closest friends said to me, ‘It’s really bad that you would believe that about another women.’ And it instantly shocked me back into reality.

How sane are any of us really anyway? How ‘crazy’ does the emotions of love & lust make us?

 

“I know you think I’m crazy. Maybe that’s because I am. About Life, about this moment, about you.”

Crystal Woods

 

 

 

‘You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean is dirty, the ocean does not become dirty’
Ghandi

When someone disposes of you from their life, whether they are a friend, family member, someone you are dating, your partner, your wife or husband, however strong the bond, it always hurts. Being disposed of, feels personal. Suddenly that person has chosen to eliminate you from their life. Once we were there and now we are not.

It’s difficult to understand why someone needs to be so extreme in the nature of completely culling you from their life, especially when there has been no bad behaviour on either side. For me, I believe it to be one of the most disrespectful and immature acts someone can do. It’s a kneejerk reaction to a finish which doesn’t resemble the connection and relationship that you had together.

Being disposed of is completely different from a relationship breaking down and two people going their separate ways. Being disposed of feels like you have been thrown away, disregarded and removed from someone’s life for no real reason. We can understand more so if we have behaved badly towards that person and made mistakes that they wouldn’t want to be around us anymore. But when we haven’t?

The feelings we process when someone disposes of us can delay us moving on emotionally from the situation. Suddenly we aren’t just upset, we feel used, hurt, confused and extremely pissed off. It’s important to remember that the person who has disposed of you hasn’t emotionally matured and unfortunately is acting cowardly. They are unable to have a conversation with you about a closing chapter and so they just remove you from their life. It’s up to you to determine whether that is an acceptable ending to your relationship based on your behaviour also.

We live in a disposable society, it easier to throw things away than to fix them, but you are not one of them. You are irreplaceable, one of a kind, and there will never be another you. You are not disposable.

‘Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.’
Buddha

When in a relationship, dating or crushing it is easy for us to question who is the ex?! We want to know; Why did they break up? Who are they? What do they look like? Do I look like them? Do I act like them? Are they still in contact? Do they still have feelings for each other? It’s easy to get caught up in the ex files and instantly feel insecure who ever their ex might be and who ever you are.

If you turn to ask yourself those same questions about your ex or past flings, you have the answers for them. Your partner will have the same about their ex too.

They aren’t together for a reason, however unless you want to be with a cold hearted person, we need to be understanding towards feelings they may bring forward with them from their past. Whether this might be guilt, insecurity or purely respect that they had for someone who was a huge part of their life.

Do not allow this element to consume your relationship or dating life, it will eat away and ruin what you have or where your journey might be heading.

My perspective is if they are friends, this is because both parties have been mature and respectful towards each other. Which is exactly how we would want to be treated in a break up, and radiates characteristics that we would want in a partner.

We must look at the positives from something we may originally of looked at as a negative. Bitterness and jealousy can destroy the strongest of relationships or connections.

‘Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.’ Mother Theresa

‘Put blinders on to those things that conspire to hold you back, especially the ones in your own head’
Meryl Streep

It seems daunting when we become single to venture out on our own, places we would usually go to with our partner. We think that people will look at us differently if we go to a restaurant or to the cinema on our own.

When we are younger its easy to avoid ever having to do things alone, but as we get older, into our late twenties, thirties and onwards the majority of our friends are in committed relationships and their time to socialise with their friends decreases. So we find ourselves wanting to see the latest blockbuster at the cinema or try the new café that has opened on the high street but we are too nervous to go on our own.

Take a look around you when you are next at a restaurant, walking down the street, in the shops or the cinema. There are plenty of us singletons, getting on with our life’s, having the luxury and independence of doing exactly what we want to do, when we want to do it.

Being single doesn’t mean you can no longer enjoy your hobbies or go out. Its about being comfortable with your own company and having the confidence to embrace that.

People seem to think its sad doing anything on your own. It’s sadder to stay in and not be able to do activities that you want to just because your single.

A reason a lot of people to settle into the wrong relationships is because they are scared to be alone and doing things on their own is a large part of that. Before I used to be afraid of being alone. Now I’m afraid of having the wrong people as company. It takes a strong person to remain single in a world that is accustomed to settling with anything just to say they have something.

‘Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking’
Steve Jobs

When your single and dating, friends have strong opinions on your dates, your sex life and how you should act with your current fling.

The ones with the strongest opinions, I believe, are the unhappiest ones. They are likely to be one of your friends who have settled for someone that they don’t quite match with or are single themselves and don’t want to be. They are jealous, unhappy and acting pretty judgemental. I second guess discussing the intimate details of my dating life with those people as I would rather keep it private than listen to any negative opinions.

The only people that know what is going on in any situation, is you and the other person involved.

Friends may be trying to support and protect you but they can’t ultimately know every single detail as they aren’t an active party. As much as we value our friends opinions, try to not let them impact on your own. Your mind is strong enough to create and identify what is going on and act accordingly. We don’t need to rely on others to navigate our life for us and we must all learn our own life lessons.

‘The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.’
Bette Midler

Those friends who stand by you no matter what, who give you honest feedback on your actions but who pick you up when your down, even when they disagree with certain choices you make and who pass on only positive feelings to you are the types of friends you need to hold on to. They make you feel confident and loved. We all need friends who are happy for us when we are happy and who support and champion us throughout every scenario in our life. Positive vibes only please!

 

‘I drink coffee, have sex, buy pies and enjoy battery operated devices’
Miranda Hobbs

‘Sex is a part of nature. I go along with nature’
Marilyn Monroe

Whoever you are, whatever you sexual orientation is and whoever you are attracted to, it is healthy to enjoy sex. It isn’t something to be ashamed of, after all reproducing and the act of reproducing is how we all got here. Everyone’s magic number will be different, due to age, lengths of previous relationships and confidence levels.

Don’t let anyone judge you on your number, its personal to you and you only. It’s your journey and it’s your life.

Can a magic number be a criteria we look for in a partner? You may look for someone who hasn’t slept with many people or vice versa. Sex is an important part of a relationship so we want someone who is confident with us in the bedroom, but maybe not worked their way around the village, town or city we live in. When we actually find someone who we are compatible with, we fancy and we trust are our magic numbers really that relevant?

‘When men attempt bold gestures, generally it’s considered romantic. When women do it, it’s often considered desperate or psycho.’
Carrie Bradshaw

All of us singletons feel a little needy from time to time and it can make us question; Are we desperate? It might be our time of the month or we may just feel low and need a pick me up. Being single, we often miss and crave the regular attention that you would receive from a partner when in a relationship. But those feelings does not make you desperate.

A man pursuing a women is known as romantic. A women pursing a man gets mistaken for desperate or slutty. Do not listen to society standards. If you like someone, no matter what your sex or sexual orientation is, then go for it.

It is important to understand the difference between romance, putting yourself out there and over killing a situation. It’s attractive to be confident, to know who you are & what you want and to be able to make the first move but if they aren’t messaging back, it’s because they aren’t interested, if they aren’t calling you or wanting to meet you and go on a date, its because they aren’t interested. Try to be in tune with what the other person is responding with from not just their words but also their actions.

We often hear as women that ‘men like the chase’. For me this comes from a place of emotional immaturity. I want to be happy, I do not want drama and I certainly don’t want to have to play games to keep someone interested in me.

Currently society mistakes strong women for desperate and psycho. Luckily, slowly but surely society standards are changing. Be a part of that change, not against it.

‘Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned’
Buddha

‘The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong’
Ghandi

Sadly, the majority of us know what it feels like to be cheated on. The physical pain we feel of being betrayed is like no other, but how we decide to move forward from this is up to us.

There will be a period of time where its all you can think about, appearing in your dreams, the first thing you think of when you wake up and the last thing at night, it circles around and around in your head. How did this happen? Why has this happened? What does the other person have that I don’t?

Whether you decide to give your partner another chance, if that is an option open to you, or whether you decide to walk away, the only way you will start to lift the pain is to forgive. It’s near enough impossible to ever forget that the betrayal has happened and no one is asking you to do that. You may never want to speak to either person again, you may want to start a fresh. Sometimes we can get answers, sometimes we can’t, but those answers aren’t going to take the actions back. Every cheating situation is different and unique but for all of them forgiveness will be your only closure here.

Internally forgive the foolish actions of others, with or without that person, move on with your future, whichever on-going direction you have chosen.

Having been cheated on myself within a few relationships, but never having been the cheat and the more I have thought about cheating as a whole, I have questioned is it a biological need as a human animal? Only 3% of mammal species are monogamous. Humans are attempting monogamy within relationships, but how many relationships are fully faithful? Our closest relations; Apes, Gorillas and Chimpanzees are not monogamous but Gibbon Monkeys are. Is it built into human DNA from evolution that we are or are not monogamous animals?

‘Go for it now. The future is promised to no one.’
Wayne Dyer

As a single straight women, I have questioned is the dating world a man’s world?
We wait for them to make every first move, ask for our number, for a date, to share how they feel, to ask us for commitment. Why is it always on their terms?

I believe in equality, we are all human beings, we can all feel love in the same way, whether we are a man, women, gay, straight, transgender, our emotions and feelings unite us.

I am not scared to make the first move or put myself out there. Are you? If you fancy someone or have a crush, take control and go after what you want. Live with no regrets and pursue your dreams and happiness in every aspect of your life.

What holds us back with making the first move? For me, at first, it’s because I had an idea in my head of a fairy tale where I get romantically swept off my feet with an overwhelming feeling of being special and wanted. Would you feel any less special or wanted if you made the first move but the end result was the same?

Nothing is more attractive than self confidence. Start that conversation, send that text, make that call…

‘The biggest risk is not taking any risks’
Mark Zuckerberg

It will probably always be a mans world to you if you allow it to be.